So I have a friend that's been bugging to hear my story, my testimony, how God's been working my life.
I literally just read and skimmed through all of the journals I've kept since I have lived in Kansas, and those are the ones I still have. But it's just interesting looking back then and seeing myself now.
Ever since I was little, I had always felt alone or always desired to be apart of the popular crowd, but who hasn't. I had been different at church... instead of being full Korean, I was only half. So it was weird, cause not very many people would talk to me. The only people I ever talked to when I went to a Korean church were the half blooded, or muggles, you could say. So I just desired attention from a young age.
You know to me, I seem to hide how I am feeling deep down. I share my feelings that you could have seen in my everyday life. But I remember even in like 3rd or 4th grade talking to my friends about starting diets with them and how we need to loose weight. You could even say that's when I didn't really think of myself as beautiful. I would look at guys and have crushes on them and you would see it constantly in my journals that I wouldn't talk to them, or I was afraid to confront them because I "knew" they didn't like me back. I didn't think a guy would ever like me that way.
I even remember my parents fighting all the time and I absolutely hated it. Mainly because when I would listen, it was typically about me. Which would bring down my self-esteem even more. I just never thought I was ever good enough for my parents. I always thought they loved my brother so much more than they love me. And they loved his decisions even more.
I think that senior year was so much worse. It was just so stressful, trying to decide on schools... mainly trying to make my parents happy. I felt like what ever decision I was going to make had to make my parents happy. It didn't seem like they liked my ideas. I have my entire life loved volunteering and that's where my heart is. Culinary arts took up so much time and left no time for volunteering I just couldn't handle it. I felt me going to a community college would just disappoint my parents. Senior year just had a dark cloud over my life. I had a little before senior year thought about killing myself. I thought about everything from cutting myself (bleeding myself to death), drowning myself in the tub, overdosing on Tylenol, hanging myself, and other things. I always thought that because I didn't do any of it, it made me a coward.
There were times when I wanted to end my life by crashing my car, but I would have on K-love Radio. I would remember I had a rough day at home and at work, and I was driving home, just thinking about my life and how I hated it. God would come in, I remember pulling onto the on ramp for Lackman from Shawnee Mission Parkway that the song, "How He Loves" by David Crowder Band came on the radio. This song just touched me in a way that no one else could except God.
God's continued to use music in my life.
Even though I lived through all this badness in my life, I can tell you during the highs and lows in my life God was always there. He's the one that asked me, "How would your family and friends feel if you left them?" I have always turned to God. I have had a love and a passion for God, and reaching my lost friends. But the devil had a foothold in my life, and that was my self-esteem and how I looked. He could take that and make me weak.
I go to the International House of Prayer in Kansas City. When I went during this time of darkness in my life and would go up for prayer. People would always pray that I am Hephzibah, and I am beautiful. I can honestly tell you that when I would go up for prayer for something else they would pray this over me in my life.
I can tell you honestly that I have some of these thoughts everyone once in a while, but definitely not as often as I did. I praise God for that. I have renounced the spirit of low self-esteem and depression to leave me. I look at my life and I see that so much more happier than I was then. I have so much joy, cause I AM HEPHZIBAH! The LORD does delight in me. I am beautiful. Even if my earthly parents aren't proud of me, I know that there is a heavenly Father that cares about every thing and where my passions lie.
This is my story, and it still continues. What's your story?
